Two Journeys - Part 1

The first few days of a solo trip are always the hardest for me. The weaning of myself from the dependency and perceived conveniences of the city. My truck, my computer, my cell phone and my day timer. My companions of everyday survival in the city. The trappings of my perceived success. A business, a rushing of one place to another, yet no pattern, no rhythm, no consciousness. A dance. A dance of self -imposed deceit, delusion. A game.

In these first few days I have to earn the right to be out here. Alone. The rights of passage. The loneliness, the fears, the insecurities and the doubts all push through my mind with a grating familiarity. Why am I here? As the addictions of society begin to loosen their grip on my soul with every paddle stroke further away, I feel movement within my extinguished spirit. My being, my tormentor, my driving force as to why I continue to do this. As to why I come to these places. Alone. Alive. To be.

In the city my senses dull, sluggish, asleep. I am only awake when I am sleeping. When I am dreaming of these remote places. I am awake when I am asleep in the city. Rushing. Driving. Wasting life energy. Busy. A numbing of my senses as to who I am and what I am doing in this life. A necessity for survival with sanity, in the city.

Out here, I feel an awakening, a purpose, a reason for every action, every paddle stroke, every breath a gift, a taste, a smell of life. My eyes begin to open once more, and I begin to live each moment in the moment. Introspection. Perspective. I am worried about what my tomorrows will bring. Will they bring success and safety? Or will they be the wrong decisions, made by me, for me. Hesitation.

I have skills that I have acquired over the years, but the greatest skill in my favour is to judge when it is not safe for me on the water. When the ocean is not in the mood to tolerate my intrusion. When I am an interloper on her surface. There is no skill in the world that is going to protect me if the sea does not want me to be with her. She is the one that decides, not I. She is an impartial mistress.

Today was challenging. A three-metre swell, with a two-foot breaking chop on top of this. Confused seas. The wind was sixteen knots, trailing my kayak, like a hound on a scent. Pushing. Tormented. Focused. I felt good, relaxed, alert and very respectful. I want the ocean to know that I respect her with all my being, but I don’t want to be afraid of her. To be afraid of her is to be afraid of myself.

There has been a lot of high cirrus wisping in from the southeast all afternoon. Also, a large sun halo. I know the weather is going to change, but when, is the gamble? I can only hope that I have said the right mantras, listened to the wind with my heart, and been honest within myself, to make the right decisions.

The taste of the sun on the corner of my mouth, an image of a cloud reflected in my eyes. A feeling of the strength of the ocean within me. An understanding of where I am. An empathy for the restlessness of the wind, and the shimmering of light suspended in a water droplet from my paddle blade. A connection.

A question...

If you have a moment I have a question that I would like to ask you. The question is -

You have before you the opportunity to take for one year, a course that would change your life in every aspect - your relationships, how you view yourself and the world, your sense of personal empowerment, your ability to create community by intention, a dissolving of separation between yourself and everything else in the world, and a deep fulfilling connection to Source, and True Power, with certainty and confidence - what would this course be, and how would it look for you?

The only parameters are that it would be one year long, it would require self study and community work, there would be a connection to the four directions, there would be travel involved, deep research and very deep trust for the process, being a student and the teacher, and potentially this program would be perceived by the majority of the world as having little value, though it would have tremendous value for you, in fact life changing.

This course would be so profound that you would be unable to be the person that you were before you took the course, as it would be inconceivable. Every aspect of your life would be shaken to the core, and everything that you believed and thought possible before, would no longer apply. You would not only be transformed, it would be revealed to you, your very essence of your being, and what belonging really is.

The Kill Zone

About a week ago I was riding my bike on an average length ride. The difference thought his time was that I experienced an intense series of moments, which I am now referring to as the “Kill Zone”.

I am sure most of you are aware of a state of being called “flow”. When what ever we happen to be doing at that moment, is almost effortless, we are in the zone so to speak, and it is almost a feeling of we could continue forever, we are smooth, assured in our actions, and it as if we are expending very little energy to achieve a maximum output.

Well the Kill Zone, is a little different. It was almost as if it was a “hyper” flow state. It felt like a moving beyond the flow state, where the pain was observable in this peaked mental and physical state, while at the same time there was an intense focus and drive to “kill” the activity at any cost.

It reminded me of the “berserker” state of the Vikings, as they went into battle, where there was an intense clarity, while at the same time there is a relentless drive to push yourself to your utmost capacity, to exceed your ultimate best at that moment in time, and to be aggressively driven towards your objective - faster, more focused, and to push almost beyond your physical capacity into a new zone of peak performance. The pain was evident and real, though almost an aside at that moment, the price that was willingly accepted for this ultimate “kill state” of mind.

The experience lasted for about twenty minutes and than gradually subsided to a flow state of being, that continued until the culmination of the activity.

More to come…

Not Giving Up

For the past 6 months I have been getting up between 4:30 and 5 to hit the gym.

 What I have come to realize is that I am starting to relish the process. The process of getting up when it is still dark. Having that first cup of coffee, to diminish the morning fog.

 To get into my truck for the 15-minute drive, often in the rain, the dark and the quiet.

 At this moment I feel empowered. I have a sense of purpose, clarity and intent. I am working on my body and my mind so that my contribution is all it can be during the day to come. Life is simple, clear and not complicated.

 I am often happy at this moment of moving towards the gym. My life is clean, focused, and with purpose. I am working my body, disciplining my mind, to stay in the moment, and to be better than who I was when I woke up.

With this I also realized that we are stating a new month, a new week, and what if it is in fact, not a beginning but an end for some of us.

 We are close, to finishing something, pushing the last few inches, digging in, to bring it home, and we want to quit...

 I read something this morning that touched on this, that I wanted to share, for all of you who are not beginning, but moving towards the finish.

 “Do what you want. But these are the moments when true grit is developed. These moments when it feels like everything inside of you is screaming to quit. In these moments of inescapable frustration, that is where true grit is built on the path to mastery. This moment is an amazing opportunity to develop the grit you’re going to need in crucial moments down the road. I know you think you want to quit, but this choice will impact the rest of your life”. Pound the Stone

 So, to all of you, recognizing that it is not just the start, but going the distance to the end, that forges us into the men that we want to be.

 The times that we are living in at this present moment, are hard, difficult, scary and new for all of us. We need to stay the course, to go the distance, to be there for family, friends and our communities. It is time to dig in, to go the distance, and when it is all over, each of us can say “We did it, together”.

Note: I am now training at the “home gym”.

Appreciation for the Process

A few days ago, I had this epiphany moment. I was taking to my girlfriend of a number of years.  We have been going through some rocky times, mostly me. As we were talking, it came to me, this understanding of how I had been living my life.

 I have been living with this deep wound in my heart. A wound caused by physical and emotional abuse, abandonment, and disappointment from long ago. And what I had done with each of these, was bury them, numb, and ultimately hide them away from myself, and also anyone who tried to get close to me. Why, and this is the part that I did not understand, until those few days ago.

 I was ashamed. I was ashamed that my scars, my pain and my disappointments weren’t significant enough, or big enough to be talked about. I had all of my body parts, I had food, I had a roof, and I had a life, where as many others don’t, and have suffered much worse.

 I was ashamed that my pain was not deep enough to be acknowledged, so I didn’t. I stuffed it, I numbed it, and I hide it as a darkness within myself, that made me choose hard and cold, as a defense to the hurt and the pain.

 My logic was that many others had suffered more deeply, so I had to suck it up, tough it out, not be a pussy, to accept and move on. Which I have done, but at a huge price – I was an emotional cripple, to myself, and to others who wanted to love me. I chose to be an emotionless man, like my father before me, and the men that I saw as role models.

 I was living a distorted “stoic” philosophy of emotionally tough, show no fear, be hard, and let nothing get to you, and it didn’t, or so I thought. But I also lost out on the joy, the pleasure and the love of life. When you stuff selectively, unfortunately, everything gets stuffed, the good, the bad and the ugly…

 The reason that I share this is, because, by talking to each of you, hearing your loses, your disappointments and your wins, I realize that we are all fighting our own inner battles and demons. We can’t fight those battles for one another, but what we can do is stand together, be there for one another, look and see one another as a man doing his best, and create a brotherhood of men, supporting and encouraging one another in the battle of life.

 We will be beaten at times, we will win at times, and at other times it will be a draw. But the truth is, that knowing that each of you are fighting these battles, gives me the strength to do what I need to do, knowing that I am not alone, that I have a community.

 Because when I look over to my left and my right in the fight, I see each of you beside me – strong, dusty, bloody, and victorious just by being in the fight, and doing the work that needs to be done, to heal and to move on from our demons that cripple us, with their imagined power, that only we can release within.

 Thank you, each of you, for your support and your trust. For having the courage to do what needs to be done, in this world to be a man, and to fight the inner battles, to free ourselves from the demons and the imagined shame that we carry.

“Namaste”, as the Tibetans say, “I see you, each of you”.